Tuesday, February 28, 2012

A Fountain of Tears

I have a love hate relationship with being early and on time. Though my soul longs for order I live in a constant state of lateness. I got to the airport an almost two hours before flight.
I just got back from BlissDom, more than a blogging conference. Blown away once again by the attention to detail, BlissDom12  nailed it!  The connections and networking of mentorship was astounding. A genuine sincere group of people who want to express, encourage, explore and excavate the workings of life.   A fantasy world really, but is it? Can I achieve all the things they are sharing and telling me I can? Yes I believe I can.
Upon my departure of the incredible Gaylord Opryland Hotel, I  go back into the world of gray.  I stepped out into the sounds of planes, trains and automobiles.   Cold air greeted me as I wheeled past the headlights. A suitcase wrestler managed the bags as I rounded the stairs into the bus, fruit in hand. Smooth sailing to the airport listening to country gospel, of course, and only in Nashville would you get this.  The rising suns warmth, melts my face.   I go up to the Southwest Airline's counter and just start crying for reasons beyond my control, explaining that I have special needs.   I handed her a letter quoting I had reconstructive surgery, two magnets in my breasts, a wound vac pump and a bulb drain.  They took one look at me and shut down their kiosk to help me.  Beth and Pam, the new girl, saw that I had no clue and I was crying so hard I couldn't think.  They checked me in, tagged my bag (that was overweight but they waved it) and both carried my carry on and helped me through security.  
Not sure why the explosion  of tears came at that time but it did and it was somewhat healing. Saying goodbye to some of my family was harder this time than most.  God is showing me more and more of His family through and in others. More if His Love and divine intervention every step of the way in this journey.   Screaming child just interrupted my thoughts. Lord calm his soul. Heal his heart.  Help his parents know what to do for him.  In Jesus name. Bless the soldiers walking by, who also looked back in concern for the child. 
You know people really are good in their hearts. The ticket agent walked me all the way to the gate. They just showed me Love. I was a mess. I could not stop the tears from streaming. Still streaming as I type.  Their passionate hearts thought something  was wrong. What I had to tell them is that it was an overflowing. I could not stop the tears. It was just part of it. Part of Christs healing.  
We were met by Kathy the TSA security officer who was to pat me down as I opted out of X-ray. I had my letter from the doctor explaining why  if I went through metal detector it might blow up. Or I might. At least so I thought.  Scary not knowing what to expect.  She was kind too. The floor was freezing.  I think I need to design scrub shoe covers in pretty designs for people who have to be barefoot in airports.  I went with her and showed her the letter so she knew what she was dealing with in me. I began to cry again.  Could not stop.  Her hands ran down my back first. And it hit me. Her hands were healing and non offensive, just as ours should be with one another. Just like Jesus.  I held my arms out as if standing in cross like position, balling and hanging my head for as my friend Angie would say, " I was slinging snot crying".  I came to a greater understanding of His sacrifice.   Everyone was very reassuring. Then the bag guy brought in my bags saying all my jewels, mostly costume, had to be looked at. I told him ok, but he better not lose my Rascal Flatts guitar pic or he'd be in big trouble.   I worked hard for that pic.  We had a moment of laughter. Then I was done. Broken a little, but blessed by the grace and humility I was shown by all.  And the healing hands that were so gentle.
Beth and I pushed onward to the gate where John generously took over as keeper of the crying woman.   I said my goodbyes and collected myself. Got talked into buying a way too expensive bag but it rocks.  Sitting still in the morning sun enjoying its warmth I began this post. 
One of the perks of all this is I was first on and will be first off the plane. 

Love love love. It is everywhere. It is in each one of us. We are meant to meet and greet and love one another networking through our stories every day. Being at BlissDom this year is exactly what I needed. It will be my suggestion for doctors to consider if time, disease and medicine allows for all to have a three week break in the middle of chemo to reconnect, recharge and refresh.  Realizing I am not alone in this world of strangers.  So I fly home for more fight. I am ready. Five more treatments y'all. Then, radiation,  surgery, and  Herceptin til Dec.  Yesterday I got the wound van taken off but not the drain.  The infection is gone praise God, but the hole has not closed up and there was another hole forming.  My skin is having a hard time closing up, so I got stitched up yesterday with more waiting.  Not the result we wanted, but still hoping for healing there.  Thanks for praying.  Chemo today hopefully so I can get this done.......
I need more of this weekend. More love. More Bliss. 
I feel blessed to have experienced once again His presence. 


  1. Powerful post, Barbara! Isn't it wonderful how God places just the right people in our path when we need them?!?!? So thankful that your trip was uplifting and that you are home safely, ready to face the next challenge!

  2. Thanks for this post and so many others that have touched my heart. (First time commenter but longtime reader.)

    I was the girl in "the shoes" coming off the shuttle from the Gaylord on Sunday morning. Thought about you my whole way home and wished I would have stayed just a minute to talk. Glad you're home safe. Love to you!

    1. Thank you for your words that are like honey to my ears. Blessing and thanks for reading.
      Kindest regards,

  3. You are amazing. Your strength even in a moment of release is inspirational. Your words are almost melodic as you write this post, I wonder if some Rascal Flatts got into your soul, or Nashville did! I couldn't have picked a better person to stand next to and enjoy Rascal Flatts with. God put you there at that time. I am sorry I blubbered to you, and cried. It felt so amazing to finally speak the words I haven't, even though I could seem to find the right ones (probably the wine)... Thank you for sharing your story with me. Thank for your not running away when I started crying. Thank you for dancing and singing, and jamming to RF! Thank you for reminding me how faith can be an anchor and a foundation. I have forgotten that lately. I will be praying for you through these next 5 treatments, and looking forward to more posts. Xoxxo - Emily

    1. More bliss @Blissdom. Thank you Emily. Will be looking forward to hearing more from you and about you in the future......love you too and see you next year at Blissdom.....amen!

  4. Barbara,

    your strength, love for the Lord and purest honesty have always touched my heart.

    I will continue to pray for you as you continue to journey down this path that will ultimately help so many others with their own unforeseen journey.

    thank you for reminding many that tears are healing. I say it often, but wonder if anyone hears.

    Thank you for reminding us to be authentically "ME" - as there is no other way to be.

    Thank you for reminding me that God will never ever leave us, regardless of how we feel.

    big {{HGUS}}



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