Me. Have you ever had those pitiful thoughts? Thoughts of unworthiness, of judgement and abandonment all rolled up into one pitiful emotion? Sometimes known as a pity party, sometimes known as a make yourself feel better day, play hookie from life, o gosh she hates me syndrome, the maybe I'll just leave and you'll see road trip to nowhere, or the nobody understands what its like so you tell them in so many words then two hours later you're still talking series. Listen, they are better off without that ME, and I hope that I am becoming a new ME every day. Thank the Lord!
As I sit here, alone, listening to the wind howl, watch the leaves and toilet paper blow from the neighbors yard and imagine, my mind goes in many different directions. I had chemo today, drove myself there, came home, had a bowl of muesli and hemp milk and a cup of green tea and cried. Not because of the alone part but because of all God is revealing to me through all of this. I am looking out my window and see a Wisteria tree that has grown big and strong but not strong enough to do without the tall oaks that stand beside it, that carry it, that hold up its branches that spritz us with perfume in early spring. Today was the last treatment of this sort, the worst of the worst and I cried. I cried when they plugged me in, I cried when I left and I am crying now. I feel like the vine and God is carrying me through all of this and His presence sometimes is so overwhelming the only place for it to come out is my eyes. Seeing this vine crucifixed to the oaks like our Jesus reminds me of His gifts. Did He have anyone who came along side Him to carry the branches, to carry His limbs, to carry His soul so that we could live? So no, I am not having a pity party per say, just having a party thinking its a pity no one is here with me to enjoy what I am seeing.
My friend Emma leaves today to go back to the big island of Australia. She was like this wind that brought moments of grace demonstrated through the Father's love. I can hear her voice like the whistle and howl outside. There are people that cross our lives, that complete a connection with our heavenly Father in ways beyond our imagination. It took a bump in the road to wake me up and bring us together for such a time as this in my life and in hers. A lifelong friend indeed. Never to be forgotten. I learned a great deal about life in the month and a half we were blessed to be in each others company. Like a visit from a near but distant cousin, like a Mary and Elizabeth, adjusting our lives to maximize every stage, every moment God had for us to explore together. Little reminders and glimpses remain around the house, but eternally in my heart she will stay. God is so good all the time. She helped me believe, "You can't be what you can't see."
In the midst of my crying, who calls? Emma. Nudged by God to give me a ring and see how I am doing. It never fails when I am needing Him the most He provides a call, a text, a letter, a hug, a meal, a ray, a sprinkle, a pressing in from all sides carrying my branches like the strong oaks. A hand up not a hand out.
These encounters make me strong, they make me more aware, they bless my heart and life so much. The strength of the wind that blows at His command, the strength of the spiders thread that hangs onto a leaf windsocking through the air, the strength from another are all that bring joy to your life. This, for me, is the real meaning of living faith. Trusting to live organically. Stripped of everything to gain eternal life. He teaches me again and again never tiring of my questions. He can do anything.I know I am not alone on this walk and have so much to be thankful for. You too?