Most people's year starts Jan 1st with lots of New Year's resolutions, it's when calendars start and when most people gauge as the New Year. My New Year started Sept 12, 2011 when my chemo started. I have been hinging lots of things off this date and it finally came. I was a little anxious I won't lie about what to expect, how the day would go almost like anticipating the year 2000 when everyone thought it would be the end as we know it. Well in a way my life will never be the same again and it is sort of the end of an era as I have known it, but it is all for the better. Being diagnosed with breast cancer sort of stops most things in their tracks, but it has not stopped life from moving down the tracks. I am blessed to be living in an age where technology is what it is, medicine is what it can be and reconstruction of the anatomy is bionic as far as I am concerned. I can not wallow in my symptoms looking only at what has happened, but marvel at the unique way God scooped me out of the miry clay and has given me a new resolution, a new revolution within and a new conviction of the heart. No longer what I thought important is, what matters doesn't and what could be is in the forefront of my mind.
So I go in for my port placement and it is a lot of waiting, everyone was really nice but they could tell I was anxious as I must have looked like a deer in the headlights. I was called in to answer a bunch of questions before surgery and I could tell this young nurse had asked these questions a thousand times. Nurse: Do you have any hearing problems or devices in your ears? (Without missing a beat) Me: Huh? Nurse: Do you have.....then she realized I was kidding around with her to crack a smile. Me: I got you. Nurse: Yes you did, that was a good one. So from that point on I felt more relaxed, more like a person instead of a number and less like a machine. So the placement went well. I had heard the doctor sings during surgery, so I asked him what he was going to sing.....he replied, "it is not what it is who" and he began to name off all these singers. Tony Bennett is who I picked so as I went rolling down the hallway I drifted off, he sang, "My Funny Valentine". He told me later he sang "The Shadow of Your Smile" but I never heard that one. I am sure it was lovely. So then it was time to see my oncologist before I started chemo. I was still a bit loopy and think that may have worked to my advantage. By the time I got into my little room to start it was 5pm. I had all these tubes hooked up to my port. They began to show me all the bags some small, some big, some that would make my pee turn red, some with saline and some with....the STUFF. My eyes filled up with tears as I knew this was the beginning. It had finally come. It was going in my body and I could not stop it. It was like, "O gosh o gosh" really loud on the inside. At the same time the nurse was so sweet and said "we are going to give you something for the anxiety and all those tears will disappear" they sure did......poof. Praise God for Ativan. It also makes you sleepy so off I went getting my 1st installment of the plan and woke up when it was done. I slept through the entire thing. I did not have to stay awake. Another Praise God.
From the beginning of this entire adventure as you may have read, God has been faithful with me even when I have been afraid, even when I wanted to bolt, even when I have said no, even when I did not lean on Him. He waited so patiently for me, teaching me through circumstances, crossing people in my path to reassure me, and just was for me not against me. It was I who was going against the grain until I realized He is always right. What was I thinking? It was a host of other obstacles trying to think for me t keeping me out of His peace and in fear. Don't get me wrong I am stilling bouncing around figuring it out as I go, but I know I am not alone. James 4: 6-8 "But He gives more grace. Therefore He says; "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble" Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."
So Happy New Year to me as I document my year long journey hoping what I might share with others will help in their own walks. As you can see my first step to this New Year was to get a new look. I figured if I was going to loose my hair I might as well have some fun with it. Every mans dream to have a platinum blonde and every woman's fantasy to do it.....can't believe I had the nerve to go for it....I feel so free.
Love and prayin' for you B! chaeReplyDelete
A new year seems to be an apt description. I have often seen small children curled up in the arms of someone they love. While dozing peacefully they reach up and stroke a much loved face. It is my hope you feel God's arms around you and His peace allows you to rest and dream. Thank you for your willingness to share a private and powerful time in your life. SherrieReplyDelete
What an amazing woman He has created and continues to shape to perfection.ReplyDelete
Your words mean MUCH too many.
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