Saturday, July 23, 2011

Fighting Fire with Fire

This photo is magical to me.  I see lots of things. A Love, God heart at the base, a person standing tall with right hand extended pressing on and away from evil nipping.  What do you see?
Whenever anyone gets the news of cancer their world seems to STOP.  That was my world two weeks ago today. Breast cancer. STOP. Surgery. STOP. Mastectomy. STOP. Chemo. STOP.  Suddenly I was forced to STOP.  Taking the news pretty well, trying to be brave and strong knowing what I had to do, I pressed on into the dark unknown, trusting God, seeing God all around as decisions had to be made, but still feeling out of control on the inside.  Stinking thinking thoughts came into my head like, what if I die, o gosh people will come to my house and its not clean, maybe people will read my journals, I want to be a grandmother, I don't have time for this, I have a wedding to plan, is this really me they are talking about, this is gonna hurt, how will I keep up with my old life, I am racked with fear, and I feel so out of control.  Round and round and round it went in my head like a bad record that has a scratch and it kept skipping and skipping. Til finally I was able to let it go.
It was Friday after I got home from the hospital and I was so racked with fear, so afraid the people I love would not know how to take care of me, one who is a nurse, HELLO! I broke down into the deepest most healing wail of a cry that I have ever experienced in my whole life.  On and on I cried from down deep in the depths of my gut it came rushing out.  Filling my lungs with air forcing out any worry, any hurt, and fear and any doubt.  Then something really strange happened.  My sowing in tears suddenly turned to reaping in joy. I began to uncontrollably laugh.  Everything and anything anyone said I would burst into laughter.  Needless to say my children who were there thought I had flipped my lid, but then they too began to laugh.  It was the best medicine anyone could have given me and I wish I could wake up every day like that.  So cleansing, so deep and reassuring that God is in charge and I can let go of all my burdens to Him.  It was what needed to happen if I was to move forward on this spiritual journey, not just a medical journey.
Everywhere I went leading up to my surgery God had both my hands in His.  It takes us sometimes a world stopping moment to open our eyes and ears to see that He is all around me.  He introduced me to women who could help me on this journey before I was even diagnosed with Lingerie Line (see vimeo in previous post), crossed my path with women who went through exactly what I was about to up at Laity Lodge, played the song Barbara Ann by the Beach Boys as I walked into So Fast Printing to wrapped up wedding invitations, He placed all the right nurses and doctors to take care of me during surgery and has brought a new light into our family causing grace and peace to reside.  Already blessing after blessing of His faithfulness.  He provided every step of the way leading up to, through and I know He will beyond.  He provided a caretaker for those taking care of me in my sweet brother in law, he provided ways and means for some of my children to be with me, He gave my husband an understanding boss and job where flexibility is in his job description, He provided a sister who's loving hands knew exactly where to touch with healing balm that washed over me like anointing oil, He gave me a community that covered me in so much prayer I felt like I was carried with each new step I took.   God is teaching me how to respond to His Love.  Spiritual journeys often start with brokenness, loss, struggle, but it always leads to a deeper awareness of His presence. My questions to God about why this is happening don't keep me from following, submitting, worshipping and loving God.  It has giving me a taste of the freedom in joy I desire.  I want the fullness of God, but how often do I resist the path He takes me on to receive it.  If only I were more willing more often I would benefit from this joy in my life.   I must keep learning how to surrender to what really matters.  Suffering (God's gift) is the only thing that can strip us of our ego.  He can't use me if I don't allow Him everywhere, everything, everyone.  I have to let others be the body of Christ, wrapping me, caring for me, buckling my belt, washing my wounds, being the hands and feet of Jesus, pushing me forward, supplying me with kindling and showing me His Love.
The pathology news was good, nothing new, nothing unidentifiable, so we could all exhale once the doctor's words were out of his mouth.  Tumor was 2.7 cm, contained, stage 2, only two nodes effected that were not bundled or sticky, and I can wait til after the wedding to start chemo.  Who knows maybe I won't lose all my hair.  I have enough of it.   I am confident that this will get out whatever cancer remains in my body, fighting fire with fire.  Much like forest firefighters they sometimes have to start a fire in order to stop a fire.  My fire comes from above and will be  a covering, burning away the chaff allowing new growth.  A fire so big that it will light up the sky within my heart.  A fire that sends a signal to the heavens and all those around me that I am battling a war that rages within that is being contained and extinguished by the very healing Hand of God.   He and I will push through the flames and the smoke filled rooms making sure every corridor, every chamber and every cell is not left uncovered.

The fresh wind of God's Spirit will keep the flames going till His work is complete in me.  He will use this for His Glory, His purpose under heaven, and His delight will be my reflection.  I am ready with hopeful anticipation the battle that is just over the hill knowing I am fully armed, fully equipped and stocked for the months ahead to meet and greet whatever dead wood that needs clearing, whatever piles of leaves that need mulching and whatever fires that need to be set in order to stop the fire from spreading.  Forgetting what lies behind and setting my eyes on the prize......Jesus who will be walking through the flames with me, just like Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego in Daniel 1-3.
I was always the designated fire starter when camping, in our fireplace and at my boarding school lounge, so the love of a good fire and the ability to keep a fire going, I guess you could say, has been a gift.
A little song I remember from Camp Mystic:
Here we are all together as we sing our song joyfully
Here we are all together as I pray we'll always be.
Join we now as friends to celebrate the coming of the Lord thankfully
Keep the fires burning tender them with care as we all join in and sing......


  1. Just know that there is a little Cajun girl lifting her heart in prayer for you and your family. Please keep us updated. You are dearly loved, my friend.

  2. Isn't that how it is? Surrender completely and learn to let go. That is the biggest lesson I learned, so many lessons that He taught me through my battle but I am so grateful for that one. You are in a good place, a very good place and you are armed with knowledge and friends and family who love and support you. I wanted to suggest a book that helped me through too, which is called Crazy Sexy Cancer tips by Kris Carr. She has such a great outlook through her whole battle and makes you laugh. She has a website here:

    I know you have your first treatment and I hope that is wasn't too bad for you. If you need anything I am here:)


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